What If Trump Really Did Win?

The nation’s fascination with celebrity yields plenty of cabinet possibilities.

OK, so there may be no stopping the funhouse-mirror clown show that is the Donald Trump for President movement. The pundits say he has the proverbial snowball’s chance in the general election against—presumably—Hillary Clinton. But these are the same guys who said he had no chance against Jeb Bush. Besides, if Bernie Sanders pulls off what has been assessed as an impossible task (the way a no-name senator from Illinois did against Clinton in 2008), maybe the Donald has a shot at this thing, after all. At minimum,it’s been the most entertaining campaign I can remember.

But, hey: Who’s to say the zaniness has to stop at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? If this nation’s combined pathologies of low self-esteem and high self-absorption are really going to put Trump in the White House, he’s going to need an All-Star cast to drive his agendas. After all, an executive at his level is there for the vision thing; the day-to-day stuff is up to the rest of the C-suite folks. In this case, the Cabinet. So if I may,
a few suggestions on how we fill that leadership void in a Trump administration that’s sure to be lacking in that quality:

Secretary of Defense: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because America needs someone who’s going to wade into battle carrying only the jawbone of an ass, and apply boots to backsides. He could put Vlad Putin in a Stalingrad Pretzel Hold without spilling his vodka.

Secretary of State: John Kerry. You have to go with the status quo here, because America’s answer to Thurston Howell III has been providing plenty of comic relief since Hillary handed him the keys to the kingdom of the current dysfunctional administration.

Treasury: CNBC’s Jim Cramer. We’re $19 trillion in debt as a nation, and if that doesn’t qualify as Mad Money, I don’t know what does.
Attorney General: Judy Sheindlin. Don’t know the name? Try her stage persona: Judge Judy. At least those long, boring complicated legal cases can get busted down to 30-minute spots that we can all understand.

Interior: Charles Koch. Just for the entertainment factor alone with this one, when the folks at the Sierra Club hear about the nomination.

Agriculture: Is it too late to dig up Eddie Albert? His presentation of American farming is just the kind of entertainment factor that can help the average American to relate to this sector. If it has to be a living member of the Green Acres cast, we’re down to Eb, but you can’t really have a Secretary Eb. It wouldn’t be right.

Commerce: Michael Douglas, but only if he’ll do it in character, as Gordon Gekko. After all, The Donald has made a living demonstrating that Greed is Good.

Labor: Bernie Sanders. Nobody could match his zeal as flag-bearer to unite the workers of the world.

HHS: Hugh Laurie. His take on bedside manner in the TV drama “House” is my idea of what’s missing in health care today. If his schedule is full of production conflicts, maybe we Ben Carson would be on call to help.

HUD: Terry Dunn. OK, so he’s not a Hollywood guy or everyone’s idea of a stand-up comic, but he’s got more time on his hands in retirement, and this would help us get urban development  and economic stimulus right, for a change.

Transportation: Richard Branson. We should all be flying first-class the way he does when we’re traveling.

Energy: Dang. Larry Hagman isn’t around to reprise his role as J.R. Ewing. Guess we’ll have to default to the next evil energy figure. Isn’t that gazillionaire Tesla founder, Elon Musk, flashing a little Hollywood personality these days?

Education: Ben Stein. Who? Come on, work with us: Ben Stein, the guy whose character didn’t have a name, but lives forever in our mental picture of the consummate educator with the classic delivery: “Bueller?… Bueller …”

Veterans Affairs: I think Louise Fletcher—remember the woman who played Nurse Ratchet from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?” That kind of administrative leadership might go a long way toward fixing what ails that agency’s staff.

Homeland Security: Have to go with John Cena, the muscle-bound pro-wrestler-turned-reality-TV star. I simply dare anybody with ill intentions
toward us to get crosswise with this guy.

All of these, of course, are offered in the spirit of what has defined Primary Season 2016: An arguable lack of seriousness, and on a truly bipartisan level, at that. Maybe this is the prelude to the nation actually hitting rock bottom, so we can start our collective 12-Step Program and work our way back to a state of civic sobriety in 2020.