“No Mulligans”
by Jack Cashill
Last week I ran into an old friend on the Brookside hiking trail, John Garrity. John is the premier golf writer for Sports Illustrated. On the face of things, as we both agreed, this would seem to be one of the world’s most enviable jobs.
I say “one of” advisedly. For as even John had to admit, being the golf writer for Ingram’s Magazine is on another plane altogether.
For the CEOpen, I staked out the fifth hole, a 196-yard tough par 3. What gave this hole added drama was that Jay Wolfe European Motors was giving away a Mercedes-Benz E-500 for a hole-in-one.
First up was the Domestic Fasteners team with Bill and Polly Mullin and Joe and Darlyn Lawson. I was impressed. A few years ago I had been assigned—by a lesser publication—to write a hit piece on Judge Russell Clark, seemingly not a hard assignment given that he had presumptuously and spectacularly mismanaged the Kansas City School District for more than two decades.
One key fact, however, unraveled my pre-set, pre-interview agenda (all reporters have these, by the way). As I reported of Clark, “Sundays meant a family trip to the Methodist Church and afterwards golf with Jerry, his wife—a greater love of family no golfer could imagine.”
So I admired the Lawsons and the Mullins for their conjugal tolerance, if not exactly for their golf. Joe set the table by asking, after his tee shot went amiably astray, “Do I get a Mulligan?”
A Mulligan is a penalty-free do-over that casual golfers allow themselves, often quite generously, as in, say, two Mulligans per nine holes. Would that life allowed us Mulligans.
As I joked to Joe Lawson, for $20 a pop, he could take all the Mulligans he wanted. Who was I to stand between a man and his Mercedes, especially in this age of no-fault existence?
But Joe knew I was joking. The beauty of the CEOpen is that the tournament is a no-handicap, no-Mulligan event, an exercise in pure, unadulterated competition, with my presence thrown in the mix for a little comic relief. The Lawsons and Mullins played by the book. Indeed, no one could doubt the integrity of their play or their scorekeeping, as they came in dead last by an impressive margin.
Larry Frazen of Bryan Cave was up next, and he was angling for that hole-in-one with an unusual determination. He needed the car. His Acura had been stolen over the weekend—and here’s the tragic part—with his golf clubs in the trunk. In at least 12 suburban counties, stealing a guy’s golf clubs is a capital offense. Legislation is pending in Johnson County.
Alas, Larry didn’t even get close. The pressure got to him.
After his team had taken their shots, I drove my golf cart with its way too cool GPS system out to the hole itself where I positioned it to the right of the hole right behind the cart of volunteer hole judge, Margaret Bowker of Gould Evans. I had interviewed Bowker last year when she was named one of Ingram’s 40 Under Forty.
“Oh, I get it,” said Margaret, “a bad shot hits me first.”
“You noticed,” I answered.
“Everyone noticed.”
“By the way,” I asked in the way of evening the score, “are you really under 40?”
Margaret proved a great sport and a real sweetheart and, from the looks of things, may well be under 30.
Jim Sangster, President of UMB Bank, and his team pulled in next. Playing with his team were two obviously talented young guys, John Russ and Jim Rine.
“So you guys have been working with UMB for what now, about a week?” No, they assured me, they were entirely legitimate. Right.
Among the day’s most impressive players was Jennifer Westphal. Alone among her Fleishman-Hillard colleagues, she put her tee shot on the green. I tried to goad her colleagues into making a sexist comment, but they knew better. Jennifer was carrying them. She would walk away with women’s honors for the day, shooting even-par 72, despite an ugly knee brace, a sure giveaway that this lady came to play. Still, it was a less than stellar hole for the FH squad.
“Not pretty,” said one team member in summary.
“Doesn’t matter,” said another. “We’re in PR. We’ll just put a positive spin on it.”
The Gould Evans team was one of the few teams to not score a single par among the four, and I have to take some responsibility for that. Just as they were about to putt, I informed them (falsely) that a birdie was good for a one-year lease on the Mercedes. They promptly fell apart.
“The birdie thing got to me,” admitted Jeff McMahon of RED Development.
“At least we’re drinking,” said one of his teammates. “We got that going.”
Mike Maddox got off the day’s best shot, laying up pin high, maybe 15 feet from the hole. He would lead his INTRUST team to top honors in the corporate division. The Burns & McDon-nell/Lockton team put three tee shots on the green, the only team to do so, and they came in second in the Corporate Division. Paul Smith of the Meridian IQ team got off the day’s scariest shot, a soaring line drive that flew over Margaret’s cart and bounced wildly on the golf cart about two feet from me.
“Did you see where it went?” Paul asked.
“No,” I apologized, “I was too busy cowering.”
The Mach 2 Team won the unofficial trophy for most business cards passed out, an impressive three out of four. For more info, email adamtaff@mach2seminars.com.
On the way back to the clubhouse, I passed the Ingram’s team teeing up on a par 5. I should explain that I play golf once a year. Some time ago I came to the conclusion that if I played golf 10 times a year I would play no better than if I played just once. In sum, I realized, I’m a poor golfer for someone who plays a lot, but a pretty good one for someone who plays hardly at all. So, to preserve my precarious self-esteem, I play as little as possible.
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The CEOpen Experience